|
Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris commits suicide on Friday evenings just to spice up the weekends.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.
Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”
Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick-related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down!
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
In an average living room, there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris does not go hunting, because the word "hunting" infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
A handicap parking sign does not signify that the spot is for handicapped people. It is actually a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
When an episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris, just to be on the safe side.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite the fact that he was holding a Joker, a "Get out of Jail Free" Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit," I mean "kick." And by "sweaters," I mean "asses."
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made, ever.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women than most men.
Chuck Norris ate three 72 oz steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles contest". Chuck Norris won by five.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity......Twice.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King....and got one.
The Chief export of Chuck Norris....Is pain.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato sacks them.
Chuck Norris requently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just not his own.
Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more that 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris call this "a slow Tuesday."
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris isn't lactose intolerant. He just doesn't put up with lactose's shit.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat. Rather he kicks ass until he's full.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what "his way" detailed, he replied: "with barbed wire and nails, of course". He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris never "gets laid", rather: "laid gets Chuck".
Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris
Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying "there isn't enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member". He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris
Chuck norris once burnt 1,500 calories just by looking in the mirror
Ice isn't cold water; it's water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.
Chuck Norris has never farted. Scientists fear that if he ever does, it will be the end of mankind.
When the Boogeman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. he then procedes to fuck all the girls in the stadium with his beard.
Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Native American; it has nothing to do with his heritage...he just ate a fucking indian.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris has slept with 347 women. Yet only 2 have lived totell about it. Needless to say it was the best sex of their lives.
Chuck Norris is known for his modesty, But readily admits he is the 8th wonder of the world.
Chuck Norris can literally melt a womans heart with one steely eyed wink.
The only way Chuck Norris can climax is if there is a vietnamese family nearby begging for their lives.
When Chuck Norris is helping you jumpstart your car remember, Beard is positive, Fist is negative.
Chuck Norris wrote every song 50 cent ever sang.
If a tree falls down in the forest it does not make a sound unless Chuck Norris tells it too.
He went to donate sperm last week. They told him to jack off in a cup. He didn't because he said he couldn't fit in the cup.
Chuck with No Beard
|